Being Happy with Setbacks – My Three Ingredients

This is the first in a series of short articles about me, my life, my challenges, and my successes. I chose to write about them in reverse — starting from who I am now and trace back to who I was through a series of life stories. If not anything else, I promise they will not be boring.

“I am happy. Not sure entirely how to define ‘happy,’ but I feel it.”

Happy doesn’t mean all is well, or necessarily mean that anything is going well, but it is a great feeling nonetheless. It is a little like the feeling of being content when the world is on fire around you. It is an emotion, therefore it doesn’t have to be supported by circumstances, I suppose. Humans are irrational – that makes us human.

It has been a fairly turbulent week around me. I keep a small circle, and most people in my circle have faced or is still facing some serious challenges. I feel pretty blessed that I am able to help most of them, some more than others. It is stressful to hear about everyone’s challenges, but somehow through the process I developed a feeling of happiness. No, I am not happy that people in my life are in stress, at all. Rather, I am happy because … well, I have faced similar challenges and ultimately made it to the other side, so I am confident that they can and will as well. Having this confidence makes me happy, because I feel that I am ready to face the world, even the unknown.

I can’t say I have always felt this way. There are so many uncertainties in life, I couldn’t be (and never have been) prepared for all of them. I have certainly had my share of challenges, perhaps more so than most people, and nothing has come easy. Looking back at that last 20 years, there was one disappointment and setback after another, nonstop. I am amazed I made it through at all.

So then, what makes me feel the way I do now,today? After some soul searching, I realized that three core beliefs underlie my responses to any challenges and setbacks:

Accept and Appreciate My Setbacks

I come up short. I come up short a lot. Contrary to others who frequently comment that I am an overachiever, I constantly feel that I underachieve. This is a self-critical view. Instead of looking at what I have been able to accomplish compared to others, I look at what I could have accomplished if performed better. Doing so requires me to accept that I did not perform as well as I could have. Isn’t it widely accepted that the first step to recovery is acceptance? How can I improve if I don’t accept that my performance is poor and needs improving?

But simply accepting that I felt short is not enough. I also must appreciate what I have fallen short on. The most natural response when we are faced with disappointment is to “get over it” and “move forward.” Well, that is necessary down the road, but we must first figure out how we under-performed. I must appreciate, in detail, what caused the setbacks.In essence, I don’t “get over,” I fix the setbacks.

Embrace My Shortcomings

How do I fix the setbacks? By embracing my shortcomings.

Generally, the way to “fix” something is to correct something wrong. For example, my car keeps getting stuck in the snow, then the natural fix is to change the tires so the car will have more traction in the snow. What if that is not practical? Better yet, what if putting snow tires on makes my car more accident prone on clean roads (counterproductive or prohibitive)?

In other words, it is entirely possible that I cannot “fix” myself due to impracticality or impossibility based on my inherent limits. What then? Admit defeat?

No. What I have learn to do is taking the opportunity to my shortcomings and determine a different way to move forward, one which does not expose my shortcomings and utilize my strengths instead. But doing so require completely self-honesty and appreciation of my own limitations. Easier said than done I know. But if you are ever faced with repeated setbacks, you only need to not turn a blind eye to know what your shortcomings are. All you have to do is to recognize and embrace them.

Failure is not an Option

Third but not least, I have always operated as if failure is not an option.

This is simply a statement of mind, of course.Failure is always an option, I am not that naive. What I mean is that I view all failures as a simple setback, a step backward or side-ward in a long journey. In other words, I refused to accept that any particular failure is the last event in a chain of events; I always take at least another step in a different direction — giving myself another chance to succeed — based on my new appreciation of the shortcomings which caused me to fail previously.

“It doesn’t end until you let it end.”

This attitude was not always a choice. For someone like me, failure literally was not an option in many situations I have faced in the past. I hope as you learn about my journey in my future writings,you will come to know more about my past. However, even though I am no longer in those situations, I continue to approach my life the same way. Replicating the recipe of past success cannot be a bad thing!

So Happy Means …?

It means I am always on the way to achieving my dreams, even if the road is rocky, winding, and full of unpredictable perils.The road in front doesn’t stop me. I stop me. I am determined to not stop myself, on the way to success and happiness. Happy.